Coming out is a process through which lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, and transgendered people initially discover and accept who they are as LGBTQ, and then over time, decide to publicly name and affirm their sexual orientation and/or gender identity. The process varies by person and situation, can happen at a young age or an older age, and is a continuing, sometimes lifelong process (since many people assume heterosexuality). For many people, there is tension due to the societal norms of heterosexuality and the negativity placed on anything outside those norms. Coming out can have negative consequences, but LGBT people often describe a sense of relief and a lessening of tension because of not denying this important part of their identity.

For those who are choosing to come out (**Remember, this is your choice and you should not be pressured by friends or family), here are some things you should keep in mind:

• Do you have support? If the people you come out to react negatively you want to have a support system that can validate your self-worth.
• Timing is important. If you have choice in this matter, you want to choose times when friends/family are not in high stress times (holidays, death of a family member/friend, job loss, etc.).
• What is their view on LGBT issues? The answer to this can give you a hint on how they would react. If you don't know, test the waters by bringing up a TV show or movie with an LGBT character or discuss how someone in your class or at your work is LGBT.
• Financial Issues. If you think there is a chance of being kicked out of the house or having funds taken away, you might want to consider coming out after financial issues are finalized.
• Who are you going to come out to first? This varies by person and situation, but coming out to people you know will give you support can be a good first step (i.e. other LGBT people or people who know LGBT people).
• Are you comfortable with your own sexuality? Even though one does not have to be fully comfortable with their own sexuality before coming out to many people, knowing who you are and being confident about it will show through when you tell people. If you are still in the stage of not being fully comfortable with your sexuality, talk with someone you know who is LGBT, talk with the LGBT Resources office staff, or talk with the LGBT liaison in the Counseling Center.
• How do you want to come out? Again, this varies. Some LGBT people will slip specific words into conversation and some will specifically tell people their identity.

Still need help?

If you ever have questions about coming out, please come and talk to the LGBTQ-friendly staff at Elsie Allen Health Center in building G17 of the Elsie Allen High School, or call us at 707-52805770. For more information, click here and join this.

Visit Positive Images, the only LGBTQ-resource center in Sonoma County

Positive Images
312 Chinn Street
Santa Rosa, CA 95404-4337

Phone/Fax: 707-568-5830

Email: posimage@sonic.net

Suggested Readings

Coming out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives (1996). Kaufman, G. & Raphael, L., New York: Doubleday.

Mom, dad, I'm gay: How families negotiate coming out (2001). Savin-Williams, Ritch C., Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

Coming out to parents: A two-way guide for lesbians and gay men and their parents (1993). Borhek, Mary V., New York: Pilgrim Press.

Coming out: An act of love (1991). Eichberg, Rob, New York: Penguin.